I remember looking at you with hearts in my eyes and thinking to myself how I got so blessed to be with you when you just seem too good to be true.

 

Look where we ended up…

 

How have you been? Some days I miss you a lot. Some good days I can go on fine without thinking of you…

Do you still think of me? Or are you seeing someone new?

1 year 1 month.

What it could be but it isn’t.

 

Just when you thought you finally found love and life can’t get any better…

Is the devil hell bent on ruining every good moment?

xxx

You said you want this but yet you don’t make any effort. You claim it’s work. I don’t deny work can take a toil on you but I don’t understand. Is it really hard to give me just a few mins of your day when you could use those very few mins on every thing else?

Do I mean so little to you now, I wonder… I miss those days where you said how you love me so much more than your favorite sport. I miss those days where the first thing you would do when you wake or before you sleep was to check in with me. I miss those good days, good times.

You are so selfish to expect me to understand and yet run to you the moment you finally decide I’m worthy of your time. I find myself foolish and pathetic because while I know I shouldn’t behave this way; I shouldn’t let myself be easy but I will anyway.

What can I do?

xxx

I had a bad dream. In the dream, we were sitting in a theatre and together with us was another girl. You told me to go ahead. I asked why and you said don’t worry, it’s nothing much. Before I exit, I turned and saw her giving me a smirk then she acted pitiful towards you. You, being ever naive, fell for it and kissed her as if to comfort her.

I was livid and heartbroken, no doubt. I wish and wish that it will never come through.

Everyday I wake and hope this is just a bad dream and it will be over soon. The question is when.

xxx

Today I broke. I cried in the cab on the way home. I cried in the lift. I cried the moment I reached home. I cried in my little brother’s arms.

xxx

I wonder if you miss me as much as I miss you. Or if you even miss me at all.

 

 

 

Love…

Love has the power to build you up and yet has the power to tear you down.

C.S. Lewis puts it really poignantly.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.”

Choose the one who’s worth it.

I can’t sleep :(

My body is obviously tired due to the many days of sleep debt but my mind is still active. Troubled.

Some nights are the hardest. Particularly tonight.

I said a prayer for you
Even though we are no longer talking
I hope you’re safe,
wherever you may be.
Please be.

2am thoughts, again.

The brevity of life

Chanced upon a video of a funeral procession of a relatively young girl. It was heartbreaking to watch because she had so much in store for her. I don’t know her but yet I bawled my eyes out, feeling a fraction of the pain her loved ones must be going through. The pain of losing someone isn’t something the human heart is made for.

Life. Unpredictable. Unprecedented.
I often wonder what are other things, extraordinary or not, happening while I’m living in my own moment. What are the victories or defeats random people are facing?

Isn’t it weird to think that in that very moment, someone is lying alone on their death bed, battling between life or death. Or reuniting with an old lover, wrapped up in a warm embrace. Or writing a suicide note, pondering different ways to say goodbye. Right in this moment, someone’s heart is fluttering from a first kiss while another is breaking from a goodbye.

Life.

2am thoughts x

God won’t waste our wounds

Relationships are messy.

Our interactions with people are flawed because we are flawed. Maybe our intentions are good, but as we live and breathe in the friction of the Already-But-Not-Yet—of a Kingdom that is somehow here but also on its way—we are reminded that our own brokenness is not too far behind. And it’s hard. And it hurts.

Some days were better than others, but then there were days where I felt swallowed up in a mess I couldn’t even begin to fix. There were so many words said, so many things left unsaid, and a distance created to protect what was left.

And I don’t know where I read it, whether I was scrolling through Twitter or browsing through blogs, but I remember everything in the whole world stopping for one long second and the words reverberating in my spirit like the sound of a bass drum at sunrise.

“God won’t waste our wounds.” I caught my breath.

Those words came like a neon defibrillator in the middle of a painfully slow heart attack, waking up the parts of me that I was watching die.

Could such a promise be true?

Because here’s the thing about life: when we walk into relationships with one another, we are inadvertently bringing all of our baggage with us. Many times, our relationships help point us toward healing, toward letting go of the chains that hold us back. But sometimes, that doesn’t happen.

Sometimes, we don’t know how to take care of each other. Sometimes, we come up short. Sometimes, they come up short. Sometimes, we try again and again to make it right… But sometimes, enough is enough. And we need that time. We need that space. We need time to heal.

And in the middle of that, I didn’t know how to reconcile these hurts with the rest of my life. What do I do with them? How do I move on?

But now I think I am beginning to get it.

The God of Restoration, the God of Rescue, the One who sees me and knows me and understands the spaces in me without words… He won’t waste a single thing in the process of redeeming my life.

So I choose to respond in a new way. I choose to hope instead of despair. I choose to trust Him with my grief. I choose to let Jesus mend my heart, to make all things new.

Even in this, I dare to be thankful. What an incredible promise poured out over us. Let yourself sit in the beauty of that for a while. We are beautiful, intricate pieces in the greater story of redemption that God has been telling since the beginning of time. I can’t think of a better reason to celebrate with gratitude, to sing with thanksgiving, to shout with ultimate joy.

Beloved, His grace is big enough.

And He won’t waste a single thing—not even our wounds.

– repost from shehasworth.org

This speaks to me this season. Thank You :’)

Future

Some of my relationships have not gone according to plan. Without intending to, I have since found myself building walls and hiding behind fabricated guards in an attempt to keep relationship failure from happening again.

That situation didn’t work out according to how I wanted? No problem. I will run so far in the other direction that my plans cannot fail in this way ever again. Instead of asking God what He wants to do, I will give up that plan all together because it is too scary to ever be picked back up again by me.

Or maybe you feel called to something. Did it work out the way I thought it necessarily would? No. There were some serious ups and downs, upsets, losses, and hard lessons learned. It wasn’t easy. Did I hear God right? The plan just seemed so wrong now.

But in time I found that just because the plan’s details didn’t match my expectations did NOT mean the whole plan was wrong.

It did not mean that I misunderstood God’s direction or that He was allowing my life to spiral out of control. God rarely gives us all the details. Mostly because if He did we would invariably flip out, lose our minds and hide under the bed. But God is IN the details. It doesn’t mean that you’ve necessarily made a bad decision or messed something up when your plans don’t meet your expectations. It could mean that God wants to teach you something. He is always refining us, molding us, guiding us, and tweaking our plans to look more like His.

Sometimes I wonder why God can’t just follow my script and give me everything I want. But then I look back on those times of uprooted expectations, of plans blown off course, and I remember that in the shipwrecks I clung to God harder than ever. I asked more questions. I sought His opinion about my life and decisions like never before.  I was more open to HIS plan because the details of my plan did not work out.  I was forced to realize that I had been clinging to what I wanted more than I had been clinging to God.

It doesn’t necessarily mean we should give up our dreams or plans in their entirety. Your dreams have a purpose. But it does mean that we must realize that we are not God and we need to trust Him with the details of the plan. Hold them loosely. We need to be flexible.

I need God to teach me what I must know in order to live out His purposes for my life a little better. Even if that means altering my plans, shoveling out my own selfish ideas, and leaning on the courage He gives in order to try again when things don’t work out.  I have begun to realize that my life will always consist of choosing to trust God’s plan more than what I think I want in the moment.

Because as legendary as I think my plans are, His are way better… because He understands the details and knows their purpose. He planned the purpose. He planned my purpose. He has planned yours.

– repost from shehasworth.org

Heartbreaks

That’s the thing about love. It’s amazing to give, life changing to receive, but unexplainably painful to lose. Psychologists and counselors all acknowledge that there is no greater pain than to lose love.

It might be a boy breaking up with you, a loved one dying or a close friendship ending…. We will all experience heartbreak in this life, and it’s guaranteed to hurt.

How much will it hurt? That’s all dependent on how close the relationship.

The deeper and more intimate the love, the greater the agony when lost. That’s why we get nervous when we feel ourselves falling for someone. Or trusting a friend with a secret. Because with greater intimacy, comes a greater risk of heartbreak. And this is life.

But this is also the truth that makes the crucifixion of Jesus shockingly confronting, yet beautifully comforting.

The Bible says that before his crucifixion Jesus was in complete oneness with his Father. Jesus and God, Father and Son, weren’t just good mates. Their souls had been entwined in one another for all of eternity. The grandness of this relationship makes a 50 year marriage look like a first date.

So as Jesus is being crucified, hanging on the cross, wearing a crown of thorns, crying out, “My God, My God, why have you forsaken me?”(Matt 27:46) we witness the most extreme moment of heartbreak ever experienced. The greatest pain ever felt by the only ever innocent person.

And for what? What could Jesus possibly have gained from leaving heaven and being undeservedly separated from his Father?

He went through all of it for us. Jesus experienced the worst pain imaginable, so we could have what we need more than anything…Himself. It’s this reality, this gift, this blessing, that means we can handle any level of heartbreak, no matter how great the hurt.

We don’t have to spend our lives guarding against the unavoidable. We can risk liking someone with the knowledge they might not feel the same. We can forgive our parents for their shortcomings and begin to trust again.

We can learn to be vulnerable because our lives and experiences are in His hands. His beautiful hands that make all things new and work all things for good, even the heartbreaks.

– repost from shehasworth.org

:’)